Tuesday, October 28, 2014

9 months later // ME TIME

Soooooo literally its been 9 months since my last post. I could have carried and delivered a full term baby at this point… and I wish that was my excuse. In fact, I wish I had any excuse! Life the past, basically year, has been a roller coaster. I have moved, changed jobs, changed my hair color several times, had some health issues, gotten too busy for my own good, and many other things in-between. My schedule is close to impossible these days and I wish I had more time for… life! Sadly, there would never be enough time in a day to get everything done I would like to.
For the past few months or so, I have been thinking about my life and what it entails exactly. I mean honestly, I get up in the morning, work from about 9am-10pm most nights and then I have a couple of hours to spend with my husband watching the cooking channel, How To Get Away With Murder or Biggest Loser. Then we call it a night and repeat the same thing the next day.. and the next…and the next.
I don't have any hobbies really… I hangout with my family and husband. That's about it. When people ask me what I do for fun, or in my free time outside of work, I feel like such a fool. I say "uhhhh we go to the movies a lot?" It's really quite sad. I am trying to figure out how to balance everything in life and I still have a ways to go before I master it, but at least I'm actually aware that there's a problem! I wish so badly I was one of those people that worked normal hours, and could then make dinner and clean the house and be a cute house wife. Maybe a crafter, or a jewelry or bow maker. But I'm just not. A) because I literally don't have time. I'm lucky if I have enough time to kiss my husband goodbye before we both go to work, and B) because let's be honest, I will probably just never be some of those things. (I HATE CLEANING. I'm good for a couple days and then my house looks like it was hit by a bloody tornado.) But ANYWAYS. The point is I. Have. No. Time. Or at least thats what I've always thought…
I am in a position where I can basically set my own schedule. I have a couple days a week where I'll work at a salon, and then the rest of the time I work from home, taking hair and lash extension clients out of my house. I am so accommodating to everyone's schedule and I truly love my clients and what I do. But I definitely am guilty of putting other peoples needs before mine. More times than not I am taking clients until 9 or 10 at night. I have so many things I've wanted to try or make time to do that I just haven't done! I would love to somehow get back into taking voice lessons again, (I took them in high school and I've been in several choirs since I was little). I would love to take a pottery class, or a baking/cooking class. And I DEFINITELY want/need to make time to go to the gym. I can't say no to people when they ask, and I realize I'm only doing it to myself. This is something I really have a desire to work on and change in my life. I need to figure out my skills and hobbies outside of work cause "hanging out with friends/family and going to the movies" aren't real hobbies or skills…. unfortunately.
I am going to get a little religious here for a sec. God gave us all unique and special talents and he chose them for us individually. There is a reason we are good at what we are good at, and passionate about what we are passionate about. I truly believe our skills and talents were hand picked for us as individuals. It's just up to us to actually use them! I am starting to realize now that if I don't magnify the skills I have been blessed with, they will eventually go away. Something so special and personal should never be taken for granted.
I am excited to not only build upon the skills and talents I already have, but to also bring new hobbies and experiences into my life. I am going to plan my work around my "ME TIME" schedule. It is going to be very hard but I am going to do it! I am going to find a cycling or kickboxing class at the gym and plan my clients around that class everyday. I am going to look into the classes I want to take and plan my schedule and clients around when those are. I am starting to realize that if I don't continue to grow and expand (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) I will not be a happy person. I don't want to be stuck in this cycle I am in right now, or get too comfortable in life. I want to grow and find what my strengths are, in every way possible! I see the importance in having "ME TIME" and I can't wait to become a happier and healthier person.



Monday, January 20, 2014

oh, its 2014? awwwwwkwwarrdddddd.....




Here's the thing, I haven't posted since JUNE of last year!!! how em.barr.ass.ing! Probably because since June I haven't really had any updates on my weightloss, so I didnt quite know what to post about, therefore I didn't post anything! SO, here's what I've come to realize about myself, as I've been reflecting on 2013 with the New Year here.

1) I am a slacker, and I'm bad at staying committed.
This does not just go for my weight loss but for most everything in life as far as setting goals for myself. I always come up with great plans and ideas and I think of them for a long time and I'm really good about it for like a week. Then slowly but surely I either stop planning or I don't even START it in the first place. I just think of all these brilliant ideas and then its like "see ya next year maybe.." example: I have been thinking about re decorating the basement my husband and I have lived in for over a year and a half, for probably 4 months now. Granted, we have picked up a few things here and there, but lets just say i have about 47 items in my Etsy cart that I have saved up money for and I just HAVEN'T BOUGHT THEM. Its truly strange, I know. I also have bought about 10 frames, but just haven't made time to go to the store and print out friggin pictures. I will give myself that I do work, both from home and in a salon, but I try to convince myself I'm always too busy. AKA watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Gulianna & Bill. Along with Real Housewives (OC and NJ, the only good ones.) And whatever I find on Netflix. Our cable contract is about to expire and for some reason our Netflix just isn't working ever. Severely annoying but I'm deciding that it's a sign that I need to start like, doing cool things with my life and maybe find a hobby. So along with a list of other goals, one of my 2014 resolutions is I am going to STAY committed to what I decide I'm going to do, INCLUDING THIS BLOG. Cause whether people find it interesting or not, I do! And it helps me stay more committed and accountable.

What am I going to do to fix this you ask? My husband and I have recently discovered both for me personally, and for us as a couple, writing things down is so helpful! We always talk about things we want to happen and then after a few days we just forget about it. We have decided that we want to make a list of goals together of basically everything and write it down! Spiritual goals, financial goals, hobby/talent goals, personal goals to improve ourselves, Cleaning and Cooking schedules for the week/month, date night schedules, etc! One thing that has made me want to do it even more is us doing it TOGETHER. Both writing the actual lists together and following through TOGETHER. Because I've never been the write-down-your-goals-and-follow-through type of gal, but now that I'm married and I'm not only living for myself anymore, I have decided its time to change. Not just to make things better and more organized in my marriage, but for me as a person as well.

2) I have been thinking a lot as far as my blog goes also.
I love getting on here and just sharing with others how I have been doing/feeling, and I love reading the feedback and knowing I'm not the only one! I have decided I want to make my blog about everything ME. Not just about my weight loss, but about everything that I am passionate about and love. I'm going to continue to post on my weight loss journey because that's one thing I have come to terms with, that I will always be dealing with. And I am okay knowing it is a never ending battle I will have the rest of my life. It absolutely sucks, but hey, this is my trial I have been given and I'm slowly learning how to deal with it. And that is just being HAPPY along the way. Being happy as a person, being happy with myself, being okay with my failures and being proud of my accomplishments. I am learning that nothing is going to happen overnight. As much as I wish it would, it wont. I will be working on my health goals forever! And I refuse to be depressed and unhappy until I get there. Setting goals is important for your future, but living in the moment and being HAPPY with your life the whole way there is equally as important! Granted, I'm still a girl and I am definitely not a happy ball of sparkles and roses all the time, but I am learning to accept the way I am. I have wasted so much of my life especially recently being depressed and not loving myself that it has made me less motivated to work on myself. Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but that's the way I have been feeling. It was kind of like my dads favorite saying "you cant polish a turd" and that's sadly how I felt about myself. "Why am I trying to look better and feel better, its no use" and "I look the way I look and that's it." Some days I feel like "I'm already fat and ugly so why would I even try putting on makeup or doing my hair, or taking off my sweatpants." It's sad but that was my thought process and I'm confident sharing it cause I know I'm not the only one. I have spent so much of my life thinking how much easier my life would be if I were just skinny. But what I've come to decide is that my life would be so much easier if I just chose to be HAPPY. Like I said, I'm not giving up on my weight loss goals, I never will. I can't afford to give up on that, therefore I wont ever allow myself to. BUT, along the way I am going to be happy with myself. Example, maybe I didn't lose any weight this week and I busted my @$$, but hey, I have really great nails and a damn hot husband. I know I did something right just by waking up next to him every morning! (cheese ball central, whatevs.) That's why I've decided to make my blog just and everything MAK blog! Cute outfits I bought, new lipsticks I found, cute jewelry, and pictures of my newly decorated basement that I am DETERMINED to finish! (and start.)

3) I need to focus on my BLESSINGS more.
I am a very blessed person. I have gifts, talents, church, family, friends and the most amazing husband in my life. How dare I sit around feeling sorry for myself and be pissed at the world cause I'm not naturally skinny and "perfect" like some people. I truly have so much to be thankful for and I am a very blessed person. I need to stop looking at other people for reasons to be mad. I can only blame myself! I decide if I'm happy or not, I decide if I'm having a good or bad day. I DECIDE. No one is forcing me to feel sorry for myself. I am. It really is so selfish of us to only focus on the bad things in our lives. Just be positive and grateful, and your life will be alot easier, I promise.

4) I need to LOVE and EMBRACE myself on this journey called Life.
I am learning that I have alot to work on physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, everythinglly. But in the meantime, I'm going to be happy. I was once told word for word, I swear, that I "was not meant to be fat." that I was "way too pretty of a girl to be fat. and that "God did not make me to be fat." that I "had a beautiful face. the lips, the eyes, the smile. the everything. it wasn't meant to be on a fat person." okay, cool, well first of all what type of loser who was supposed to be my mentor at the time would tell an 18 year old girl that?! Second of all, how would anyone feel good about themselves after hearing that. How am I supposed to feel anything other than I was basically a WASTE! A waste of a pretty face. I think any girl would feel like a "steaming pile of cow dung..." (Liar Liar quote) If they heard someone tell them that. I'm not sharing this to have people feel bad for me, but I am just sharing this so everyone knows there is no such thing as a "pretty face". We are seriously gorgeous people and we were made the way we are FOR A REASON. Why would we want to be any other person, when we could be ourselves. I agree in a sense that no one was created to be unhealthy and sick and at risk health wise. But we were all meant to be HAPPY, whatever your happiness is. No one was made to be depressed and feel ugly or stupid.

All of this being said, I thought about changing the whole "makattackisback" on my blog url but then I decided not to. Because I truly feel like I am slowly but surely becoming my old confident self again, the Mak Attack who didn't CARE what people thought of her, who would wear crazy bold things and felt like she was pulling them off. Who wasn't worried about how people looked at me or what the freak they thought. The old me that just lived my life happily, and was trying to be more healthy along the way. I am coming back and I'm coming back with full force! I am ready to start this new year right, with as my husband would say, a PMA! (positive mental attitude. Literally his fave thing to say ever.) Like I said before, this blog is going to continue to be a weight loss journey blog, along with the good, bad ugly, AND RECENTLY ADDED, all things MAK! Like: fashion (since I do get alot of questions on where I find plus size (aka more to love) affordable and cute clothes.) my makeup finds, hair finds, accessory finds, home improvements, marriage/friend/family posts, or just random and funny things! I am excited and ready for 2014, and hope you're all ready with me! Thanks to everyone who reads and supports me, I appreciate it more than you know.


I am.