Soooooo literally its been 9 months since my last post. I could have carried and delivered a full term baby at this point… and I wish that was my excuse. In fact, I wish I had any excuse! Life the past, basically year, has been a roller coaster. I have moved, changed jobs, changed my hair color several times, had some health issues, gotten too busy for my own good, and many other things in-between. My schedule is close to impossible these days and I wish I had more time for… life! Sadly, there would never be enough time in a day to get everything done I would like to.
For the past few months or so, I have been thinking about my life and what it entails exactly. I mean honestly, I get up in the morning, work from about 9am-10pm most nights and then I have a couple of hours to spend with my husband watching the cooking channel, How To Get Away With Murder or Biggest Loser. Then we call it a night and repeat the same thing the next day.. and the next…and the next.
I don't have any hobbies really… I hangout with my family and husband. That's about it. When people ask me what I do for fun, or in my free time outside of work, I feel like such a fool. I say "uhhhh we go to the movies a lot?" It's really quite sad. I am trying to figure out how to balance everything in life and I still have a ways to go before I master it, but at least I'm actually aware that there's a problem! I wish so badly I was one of those people that worked normal hours, and could then make dinner and clean the house and be a cute house wife. Maybe a crafter, or a jewelry or bow maker. But I'm just not. A) because I literally don't have time. I'm lucky if I have enough time to kiss my husband goodbye before we both go to work, and B) because let's be honest, I will probably just never be some of those things. (I HATE CLEANING. I'm good for a couple days and then my house looks like it was hit by a bloody tornado.) But ANYWAYS. The point is I. Have. No. Time. Or at least thats what I've always thought…
I am in a position where I can basically set my own schedule. I have a couple days a week where I'll work at a salon, and then the rest of the time I work from home, taking hair and lash extension clients out of my house. I am so accommodating to everyone's schedule and I truly love my clients and what I do. But I definitely am guilty of putting other peoples needs before mine. More times than not I am taking clients until 9 or 10 at night. I have so many things I've wanted to try or make time to do that I just haven't done! I would love to somehow get back into taking voice lessons again, (I took them in high school and I've been in several choirs since I was little). I would love to take a pottery class, or a baking/cooking class. And I DEFINITELY want/need to make time to go to the gym. I can't say no to people when they ask, and I realize I'm only doing it to myself. This is something I really have a desire to work on and change in my life. I need to figure out my skills and hobbies outside of work cause "hanging out with friends/family and going to the movies" aren't real hobbies or skills…. unfortunately.
I am going to get a little religious here for a sec. God gave us all unique and special talents and he chose them for us individually. There is a reason we are good at what we are good at, and passionate about what we are passionate about. I truly believe our skills and talents were hand picked for us as individuals. It's just up to us to actually use them! I am starting to realize now that if I don't magnify the skills I have been blessed with, they will eventually go away. Something so special and personal should never be taken for granted.
I am excited to not only build upon the skills and talents I already have, but to also bring new hobbies and experiences into my life. I am going to plan my work around my "ME TIME" schedule. It is going to be very hard but I am going to do it! I am going to find a cycling or kickboxing class at the gym and plan my clients around that class everyday. I am going to look into the classes I want to take and plan my schedule and clients around when those are. I am starting to realize that if I don't continue to grow and expand (mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually) I will not be a happy person. I don't want to be stuck in this cycle I am in right now, or get too comfortable in life. I want to grow and find what my strengths are, in every way possible! I see the importance in having "ME TIME" and I can't wait to become a happier and healthier person.
Here's the thing, I haven't posted since JUNE of last year!!! how em.barr.ass.ing! Probably because since June I haven't really had any updates on my weightloss, so I didnt quite know what to post about, therefore I didn't post anything! SO, here's what I've come to realize about myself, as I've been reflecting on 2013 with the New Year here.
1) I am a slacker, and I'm bad at staying committed.
This does not just go for my weight loss but for most everything in life as far as setting goals for myself. I always come up with great plans and ideas and I think of them for a long time and I'm really good about it for like a week. Then slowly but surely I either stop planning or I don't even START it in the first place. I just think of all these brilliant ideas and then its like "see ya next year maybe.." example: I have been thinking about re decorating the basement my husband and I have lived in for over a year and a half, for probably 4 months now. Granted, we have picked up a few things here and there, but lets just say i have about 47 items in my Etsy cart that I have saved up money for and I just HAVEN'T BOUGHT THEM. Its truly strange, I know. I also have bought about 10 frames, but just haven't made time to go to the store and print out friggin pictures. I will give myself that I do work, both from home and in a salon, but I try to convince myself I'm always too busy. AKA watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and Gulianna & Bill. Along with Real Housewives (OC and NJ, the only good ones.) And whatever I find on Netflix. Our cable contract is about to expire and for some reason our Netflix just isn't working ever. Severely annoying but I'm deciding that it's a sign that I need to start like, doing cool things with my life and maybe find a hobby. So along with a list of other goals, one of my 2014 resolutions is I am going to STAY committed to what I decide I'm going to do, INCLUDING THIS BLOG. Cause whether people find it interesting or not, I do! And it helps me stay more committed and accountable.
What am I going to do to fix this you ask? My husband and I have recently discovered both for me personally, and for us as a couple, writing things down is so helpful! We always talk about things we want to happen and then after a few days we just forget about it. We have decided that we want to make a list of goals together of basically everything and write it down! Spiritual goals, financial goals, hobby/talent goals, personal goals to improve ourselves, Cleaning and Cooking schedules for the week/month, date night schedules, etc! One thing that has made me want to do it even more is us doing it TOGETHER. Both writing the actual lists together and following through TOGETHER. Because I've never been the write-down-your-goals-and-follow-through type of gal, but now that I'm married and I'm not only living for myself anymore, I have decided its time to change. Not just to make things better and more organized in my marriage, but for me as a person as well.
2) I have been thinking a lot as far as my blog goes also.
I love getting on here and just sharing with others how I have been doing/feeling, and I love reading the feedback and knowing I'm not the only one! I have decided I want to make my blog about everything ME. Not just about my weight loss, but about everything that I am passionate about and love. I'm going to continue to post on my weight loss journey because that's one thing I have come to terms with, that I will always be dealing with. And I am okay knowing it is a never ending battle I will have the rest of my life. It absolutely sucks, but hey, this is my trial I have been given and I'm slowly learning how to deal with it. And that is just being HAPPY along the way. Being happy as a person, being happy with myself, being okay with my failures and being proud of my accomplishments. I am learning that nothing is going to happen overnight. As much as I wish it would, it wont. I will be working on my health goals forever! And I refuse to be depressed and unhappy until I get there. Setting goals is important for your future, but living in the moment and being HAPPY with your life the whole way there is equally as important! Granted, I'm still a girl and I am definitely not a happy ball of sparkles and roses all the time, but I am learning to accept the way I am. I have wasted so much of my life especially recently being depressed and not loving myself that it has made me less motivated to work on myself. Sounds like an oxymoron I know, but that's the way I have been feeling. It was kind of like my dads favorite saying "you cant polish a turd" and that's sadly how I felt about myself. "Why am I trying to look better and feel better, its no use" and "I look the way I look and that's it." Some days I feel like "I'm already fat and ugly so why would I even try putting on makeup or doing my hair, or taking off my sweatpants." It's sad but that was my thought process and I'm confident sharing it cause I know I'm not the only one. I have spent so much of my life thinking how much easier my life would be if I were just skinny. But what I've come to decide is that my life would be so much easier if I just chose to be HAPPY. Like I said, I'm not giving up on my weight loss goals, I never will. I can't afford to give up on that, therefore I wont ever allow myself to. BUT, along the way I am going to be happy with myself. Example, maybe I didn't lose any weight this week and I busted my @$$, but hey, I have really great nails and a damn hot husband. I know I did something right just by waking up next to him every morning! (cheese ball central, whatevs.) That's why I've decided to make my blog just and everything MAK blog! Cute outfits I bought, new lipsticks I found, cute jewelry, and pictures of my newly decorated basement that I am DETERMINED to finish! (and start.)
3) I need to focus on my BLESSINGS more.
I am a very blessed person. I have gifts, talents, church, family, friends and the most amazing husband in my life. How dare I sit around feeling sorry for myself and be pissed at the world cause I'm not naturally skinny and "perfect" like some people. I truly have so much to be thankful for and I am a very blessed person. I need to stop looking at other people for reasons to be mad. I can only blame myself! I decide if I'm happy or not, I decide if I'm having a good or bad day. I DECIDE. No one is forcing me to feel sorry for myself. I am. It really is so selfish of us to only focus on the bad things in our lives. Just be positive and grateful, and your life will be alot easier, I promise.
4) I need to LOVE and EMBRACE myself on this journey called Life.
I am learning that I have alot to work on physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, everythinglly. But in the meantime, I'm going to be happy. I was once told word for word, I swear, that I "was not meant to be fat." that I was "way too pretty of a girl to be fat. and that "God did not make me to be fat." that I "had a beautiful face. the lips, the eyes, the smile. the everything. it wasn't meant to be on a fat person." okay, cool, well first of all what type of loser who was supposed to be my mentor at the time would tell an 18 year old girl that?! Second of all, how would anyone feel good about themselves after hearing that. How am I supposed to feel anything other than I was basically a WASTE! A waste of a pretty face. I think any girl would feel like a "steaming pile of cow dung..." (Liar Liar quote) If they heard someone tell them that. I'm not sharing this to have people feel bad for me, but I am just sharing this so everyone knows there is no such thing as a "pretty face". We are seriously gorgeous people and we were made the way we are FOR A REASON. Why would we want to be any other person, when we could be ourselves. I agree in a sense that no one was created to be unhealthy and sick and at risk health wise. But we were all meant to be HAPPY, whatever your happiness is. No one was made to be depressed and feel ugly or stupid.
All of this being said, I thought about changing the whole "makattackisback" on my blog url but then I decided not to. Because I truly feel like I am slowly but surely becoming my old confident self again, the Mak Attack who didn't CARE what people thought of her, who would wear crazy bold things and felt like she was pulling them off. Who wasn't worried about how people looked at me or what the freak they thought. The old me that just lived my life happily, and was trying to be more healthy along the way. I am coming back and I'm coming back with full force! I am ready to start this new year right, with as my husband would say, a PMA! (positive mental attitude. Literally his fave thing to say ever.) Like I said before, this blog is going to continue to be a weight loss journey blog, along with the good, bad ugly, AND RECENTLY ADDED, all things MAK! Like: fashion (since I do get alot of questions on where I find plus size (aka more to love) affordable and cute clothes.) my makeup finds, hair finds, accessory finds, home improvements, marriage/friend/family posts, or just random and funny things! I am excited and ready for 2014, and hope you're all ready with me! Thanks to everyone who reads and supports me, I appreciate it more than you know.
Just as promised on my last post, I wanted to dedicate this one to my amazing husband Jordan. We have recently celebrated our one year anniversary, 06.09.12. I know it has taken me forever for this post but I'm a slacker. I'm trying to get better about it, and I'm sorry! So anywho, Where to even start with Jordan Roy... People have asked me to tell our story before of how we met and everything so I figured since it was just our anny, no time like now to share it!
Okay, so, how did it all start you ask? Good ol' Facebook. Yes. So I had a family friend growing up named Ashley, (SHOUTOUT TO YOU GIRL! ITS ALL CAUSE OF YOU. haha) and she coincidentally..? (I think NOT! (; ) married Jordan's cousin Matt. I had just recently moved up to Utah, in the fall of 2010 to attend Taylor Andrews, a cosmetology school in Orem, and Jordan was already attending the Paul Mitchell cosmetology school in Provo at the time. Ashley, aka cupid, wrote Jordan a little message on Facebook, (to this day the greatest thing ever,) trying to set us up. I had no idea this was going on but here's the message. January 1st, 2011:
And luckily, Jordan was interested enough in this message, that he texted Ashley! Now this is where I dont know what happened with them or what they talked about, but soon enough I heard from her about a guy named Jordan who I was told was really cute, and who supposedly thought I was too. So of course I find him on Facebook immediately, and sure enough it was private. SO..Who was going to make the first move of adding the other person. I mean neither of us wanted to be the one to do it, but lets be honest this was a rare occasion for me so I decided I would just add him. And let me tell you. When I started looking at his pictures I started laughing. I was seriously like hold on. There must be some sort of mistake here, because this kid is outrageously good looking. For a while we did the whole middle man thing with Ashley and he said she said deal, until one day we had a group of friends and family over for dinner at Ashley and Matt's house. This was basically a blind date and I remember it like it was yesterday. I got home from school and was hurrying to get over there but I had to change first. For SOME REASON, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a Victorias Secret sweat-suit...? Just dont ask. Maybe I was going for the whole "I'm trying...but not really...but my hair and makeup looks cute so im just comfy casual cute...but I'm still kind of trying..." WHO KNOWS. So I get there, and sure enough, he's FREAKIN HOT. (and yes I still remember what he was wearing too.) So we had both heard so much about eachother and it was practically like we were betrothed. When we first meet he goes "Hi, I'm Jordan" and goes for a hand shake. Really..? That's funny...(loser, haha) So I, once again being the move maker/mature adult...HA, say "Hi, I'm Makenzie, but ill hug you.." and gave him a hug. It was a dang good hug too. Nothing worse than an I'm-barely-touching-you-feels-like-air-hug. So anyway, we talked and ate and hungout with everyone for a while and it was really fun and luckily not awkward. So that was that. We would occasionally talk on facebook chat, or text eachother after that and I honestly thought nothing would ever ever come of it. I thought he was just a really cute guy that I didnt stand a chance with. Plus, come to find out, he and my roommate at the time went to school together and had kissed...its fine. (I wont name drop haha). So basically I had just never thought anything in a million years would happen.
We continued to chat here and there, and as months went by we would occasionally hangout with Matt and Ashley, watching movies or going out or whatever, and still nothing. This continued and went on and it started out as a once a month thing, then twice a month, then a few weekends a month, and so on. I was somewhat starting to develop feelings for him along the way but I still always just knew, or thought I knew, that nothing would happen. Knowing this at the time I think was only working out for my benefit. I was totally and completely being my loud, funny, outspoken crazy self...not holding anything back or sparing any details because I thought we were just friends. So why would I try to be anything other than myself when he's just a friend. Well apparently my extremely sarcastic, witty, sometimes dumb and crazy personality became something he liked and we started hanging and talking more and more. The time came in about April-ish of 2011, when he had graduated from Paul Mitchell and got a great job at a salon in Salt Lake. Needless to say he moved there, and I was still stuck in Orem going to school. We somehow managed to still see each other about once a week or so, whether I was babysitting Matt and Ashley's kids and he would come hangout with me, or I would drive up to Salt Lake for him to do my hair at his salon, or whatever. Around that time I had a family church event to bless my baby niece Harley, and I decided to invite Jordan. He came and met all of my family and close friends and I'm sure was scared crapless, (especially when he met my dad!) But while there, he just saw the family dynamic that I had and how close-knit we all were and it was something he loved and admired. My dad invited/forced him to come to dinner with us later that week while my parents were still in town. This was when it really hit me that I had feelings for him, but I never said anything because I just wanted to see what would happen. Heres a picture of him holding Harley on her blessing day. She was obsessed with him from day one.
Fourth of July rolled around, and he invited me to go spend the day with his parents and family up in Midway, Utah. It was the first time I would have met everyone, and I was trying to act like I wasn't embarrassingly excited but of course I was! I was trying not to tell myself that this had to mean he liked me too, but I mean come on. He did. So we go and spend the day there and it was so fun. We get back to my apartment that night and we pushed to couches together and made a couch bed, and we watched one of his favorite movies, Zombieland, which I had never seen. Well let's be honest, I watched it. He fell asleep. So after the movie, we walked out to his car and I thought hands down this was it. We just spent the day together with his family, watching fireworks, movies, hanging out, laughing...we were totally going to kiss. We walk out there and had another one of the many almost kiss, but dont moments. It could have been because a few minutes earlier, we had a spitting contest in the parking lot to see who could spit the farthest. Clearly one of my classier moments. I dont know HOW he didnt want to kiss me after that! But all I know is I was PISSED. What was taking him so long? Did he like me or not? Why was he wasting both of our time? You know, the common psycho girl thoughts. I was just annoyed. But still didnt say anything because I was having too much fun to ruin it. And its a good thing I didnt! Because the next day, July 5th was THE day! I drove up to his house in Salt Lake and we hung out, went to the Sugar House park that was right by his house, and talked and laughed for hours. It was starting to get late, and the only couple left were freakin old, and too busy straddling eachother and making out that we decided it was time to go. So as we stand up, he starts putting his Burts Bees chapstick on. I said "can I have some?" literally just expecting him to hand me the chapstick...and he was standing there weirdly, and said "yeah..." ..... so I said "okay then give me some!" haha like a brat, cause apparently I didnt catch his drift. So he says "I AM, you jerk!" and leans in and FINALLY kisses me!!! Apparently he was just expecting a peck and I wanted a whole lot more...so I went a little over-zellus and starting making out with him I guess. Sue me, I wanted to makeout. Whatever. But regardless, it was still amazing. For me atleast...
Anyways, months go by and I took a leave from school to go to California for a month or so, and we missed eachother lots. We were constantly talking all the time and it was really hard! There was a Hair awards show in Las Vegas, NAHA, in August that we were going to both be attending, me with my school and him with his salon, and it wasnt coming soon enough. The week before NAHA I was already in Vegas with my parents and siblings for a family vacation and he ended up coming early and surprising me. It was so cute, obv. So at the hairshow we became an "official" couple and it was the greatest day of my life! I was already in love with him.
October comes and his family was doing a vacation in California and I was lucky enough to be able to come with them! His brother, sister in law, three nieces, Mom and Step-Dad planned out to go to the beach, Sea World, Disneyland, and lots of other super fun things. Jordan and I flew to California a few days earlier than they all did and spent time with my family. One of those days I went to LA for a little photoshoot, and Jordan and my Mom just spent the day walking around and hanging out. Towards the end of the photoshoot, Katie Halchishick Willcox, (the owner and founder of Natural Model Management, Perfectly UnPerfected, and Healthy is the new Skinny,) was doing a video interview with me and asked to meet with/interview Jordan for a little bit too. He was nervous and had no idea what he was getting himself into, but he was a good sport! Here's the video interview Katie made that day...
I know you guys, I KNOW. He's so perfect is stupid! He really is the best guy ever and I am SO BLESSED to have him. But anyways, while Katie was filming him I was in the other room and had no idea what was going on or what he was saying. I didn't see this video until after we were engaged. To this day I still Thank Katie SO MUCH for making this video..I don't think even SHE knew what he was going to say, but I'm so grateful I have this forever because it was a part of the happiest time of my life and without her, I wouldn't have it! So THANK YOU KATIE!
So after his family came, we went to Sea World one of the days and the second day we went to Newport Beach. It was the day before halloween and I had a feeling he was going to propose sometime on the California trip, but i had NO IDEA whatsoever that it would be the day we went to the beach. (oh and P.S.- for the Howa/Huntington family, Halloween is like Christmas people! Its a HUGE deal for them!) But anyways, I looked gross and had been swimming and sweaty and just not cute...haha but apparently my family, his family, and the audience on the beach knew it was happening that day! He (with the help of his family) spent hours on a sand castle, (if you know jord you know he loves making sand castles...and he's pretty good at it! haha) He was just SO excited to make a sand castle. Like would not stop talking about it. I was laying out after we got done swimming, and he had asked me to come help with the castle. I was like "mmm no thanks. I'm good!" haha like a brat, again. So after LITERALLY hours and hours of him at this castle, he had his nieces come up to me and say "Jordan wants you to go look at the castle.." So I went down, thinking nothing of it, and was very impressed! It was the best sand castle I'd ever seen. So we're standing there admiring it together, like hugging and and he starts talking to me and telling me how much he loves me and goes into "the speech" and his hands were shaky and his heart was POUNDING. Once again, I didnt understand what the freak was going on, (nor did I get the hint when I noticed that the sand castle he had made looked alot like a Temple.) So I just said "why are you being so weird?!? Are you okay?! your heart is like POUNDING!" And before I knew it he was on one knee asking me if i would "make him the happiest man in the world and marry him". I FREAKED out. I was in such shock and so surprised (especially when he pulled out my unFREAKINreal ring!) that I guess I never answered! I just kept saying "OH MY GOSH! SHUT UP! OH MY GOSH!" and he put the ring on my finger and stood up and said "so is that a yes...?!" I then of course said yes and we hugged and kissed and I was so shocked and so happy. Then i turn over and there's a CROWD of people watching, cheering and recording it, along with our families. It was the cutest thing ever and the best day and decision of my life.
(....the castle looked ALOt better in person okay? haha seriously though I swear. bad lighting?)
So we were engaged at the end of October and we got married on June 9th, 2012, and we got married in the Newport Beach LDS Temple. Now THAT was the best day of my life. I wish I could go re-live that day, just like every other bride I'm sure..and I know it sounds so cliche but it was so perfect.
I couldn't have imagined marrying someone more perfect for me. Even though Jordan was my very first boyfriend, and only person I had ever been on more than one date with, he was everything I had ever wanted in a husband. He truly makes me a better person and I grow more grateful and realize that more everyday. Even though the past year has had its ups and downs, and it wasn't always sunshine and butterflies, we are so in love and I feel so truly blessed to call him my husband.
It has been hard sometimes feeling like he is too good looking for me, or feeling self conscious about what other people think of us together, and I am CONSTANTLY fighting myself about not caring what people think about me or about us being married. It was hard in the beginning feeling like I didn't deserve to be with someone so hot or someone so nice or someone so perfect! I was constantly fighting myself about how he was way too good for me and what people would think of us being together. But through the year and through tears, and sadness and learning and growing, I have come to the realization that we are so happy and I am so lucky to have him that I don't care about that anymore. I know I deserve him, and I deserve to be happy, and I DESERVE a freakin sexy husband. And realizing that has made me even happier! He loves me for ME, and that includes all of my downfalls. He loves me even though I am the messiest person, and even though I don't like to clean. Even though I love to pinch and bite him way too much, and even though I sure as hell am NO Martha Stewart, nor the housewife or homemaker of the year...He loves me unconditionally and he is my soulmate.
I Love You Jordan and I thank Heavenly Father for you everyday! You are my favorite person in the world and I fall more in love with you every time I see your cute face. Even though my parents laughed out loud on the phone when you asked for their permission to marry me, and my mom basically tried to talk you out of it, you still went through for some reason! And for whatever reason that was, I am forever grateful! You make me the happiest I've ever been, and Thank You for everything you've done. You have done more than you know, and more than you ever will know for me and I feel so amazingly blessed that I get to spend forever with you! I LOVE YOU BABY! One year down, eternity to go. Can't wait to see what else life brings us.
Here's the thing. Like I said in my previous post, I'm a severely unmotivated person, unfortunately. Motivation goes pretty much hand in hand with commitment. Therefore, being that I am not a motivated person, I'm not a very committed one either. (This does NOT go for my marriage people!) As far as my weight goes, It's always such a roller coaster for me, and I'm sure it will be for the rest of my life. I always start out SO good! Like so ready, so hyped up and excited and everything! It usually lasts a couple weeks, or a couple months if I'm lucky. And it pretty much always ends the same way. I slowly but surely have one too many cheat meals, that turn into cheat days, that turn into cheat weeks, months, and then I realize I've been cheating for a couple months straight! This time, I am fully COMMITTING myself!!!! And putting it out into the open for everyone to see will help me so much! Usually only my close friends and family know that I'm trying to lose weight. But this time I want to tell everyone so that way I hold myself more accountable for my actions and I hopefully change myself as a person when it comes to being and STAYING motivated and committed! Especially to my weight! Even when I was on my show, I was committed to that 100 days, it turned into about 6 months actually, and I was committed because I had to be. It definitely got to a point where I wanted to quit, but I didn't because I pretty much couldn't. I think one reason why it was so easy for me to want to quit also was because at that point I had everything handed to me. I had a free trainer, free nutritionist and I honestly got to a point where I felt I wasn't doing it for ME, but I was doing it for the "audience" or the "network" or the "producers" or whatever. And I'm not saying just because it was handed to me that it wasn't a great experience or it wasn't useful, because it was still the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and probably always will be. But now that I'm doing this again, all I have is me. I definitely have an amazing support system and people willing to love and help me along the way, but it comes down to ME. I only have me to impress this time. And if I happen to impress other people along the way, thats great! But right now I'm focusing on myself. I know I will be so happy and so proud of myself when I look back on this and I can honestly say I did it on my own, and I did it for me. I'm the one who has to live with myself forever. I'm the one who looks in the mirror everyday and is unhappy. I'm the one who is hard on myself and I'M the one who wants this! But I have to prove it to myself. I truly am my own worst enemy and my biggest critic, and I have to prove to myself that I CAN get where I want to be and I CAN get there on my own! Because now, I don't have any other choice. If I don't do it now, when will I? There's truly no time like the present and I'm doing it NOW.
I'm committing myself. I am COMMITTING myself to one year. Just one year of not giving up. I have never had a goal this big, but I know I can do it. I am going to do a solid year of eating healthy, and exercising frequently. The thing that's making me get through my mental block, is knowing that I'm going to be realistic about it. I'm absolutely going to eat a treat every once in a while, and I'm sure sometimes it will be on a day I'm not having my cheat meal! I am probably not going to work out every single day! Maybe some weeks I will, but I'm sure there will be some weeks I won't. If i do mess up, I'm telling myself I'm going to be okay, and not to give up, but to just get back on track tomorrow! I'm making a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. I am trying to make this a way of life for me. So after the 1 year am I going to quit? Definitely not. But hopefully then I wont have the desire to. Hopefully by then it will just be habit for me. But regardless, right now I am committing myself to 365 days. I'm also committing to blogging the whole way through! One year may seem like a long time, but it really is no time at all! Thinking about how me and my husband have been married for almost 1 year already blows my mind! (June 9th! Holllaaaa! I'll be dedicating a post around then to us, so stay tuned!) But time seriously freakin flies, and I don't want to waste one more second being unhappy with myself! I am excited to see where I am a year from now, and I'm excited to prove myself wrong for once! If I waste one more year of just wishing instead of doing, I know I'll be WISHING I were back at this point now.
So. Where to even begin. It's been a hot minute! Let me first just start off by saying how much I've loved everyones positive feedback! I never really thought my blog would affect so many people, but that's why I made it! Not only for myself, but also for people to hold me more accountable. Because let's be honest, I'm not the best at following through with things I start. Obviously. I've taken a few months off, and not only from blogging, but from my routine as well. I don't know why I did it but I did, so here we are again, and I know you will all help me like you always do! Since I took my little break, several people have asked me, along with my parents, family members, and husband why I stopped posting and when I was going to start up again. It made me feel good and realize why I did this in the first place. To share my story, and help people with their personal weight loss goals as well! So a huge Thanks to everyone who loves and supports me, because that's what keeps me going!
Since I've been gone, (I cant breathe for the first time) HA! Kidding. Had to. Anyways, that was dumb but whatever. Since I stopped blogging, I have learned so many things about myself. First of all, I learned that I wasnt happy. I havent been happy with myself, my body, my jobs, pretty much just my life. It was affecting me and everyone I cared for most, and it had to end. I realized that when I'm not putting myself, and my happiness first, nothing else in life seems to go well. I realized how much better I truly feel when I'm working out, and eating healthy. When I'm doing those things, it just makes me a happy and positive person, which only affects my life in good ways! Everything is better when I'm better. When I'm a better version of me! I learned that this life is too short to be unhappy. Second of all, I realized I'm the most un-motivated person ever. This was definitely not the first time I noticed this about myself, but it really just hit me hard recently. I never really finish things I start, my weight obviously being the number one thing. I lost a lot of it once, but wasn't motivated enough to keep it off, and I hate myself for that. The world witnessed how hard I worked, and then how lazy I became after the show. Which is embarrassing, but sadly, I thought it didn't matter what people think of me and that I didn't care. Now that I'm at this point, I've realized that I care. It doesn't matter what people think of me, but it does matter what I think of myself. And at this point, I'm not content with who I am or how I look. I'm not a motivated person, and I hate that about myself. But I'm working on it! Third of all, since I last blogged, I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to witness my precious niece Quinn being born. It was the most amazing experience of my (and my husbands) life! It was the most beautiful/suspenseful/overwhelming thing we have ever seen! It made us bond and connect on a level we never have before and it made us so excited to have kids! We can't wait to have kids, but that wont be for a few years....possibly a few centuries. Anyways, that whole experience really hit home for me. It totally put things, and life into perspective for me. This is what life is about. Family. I am a religious person, but I'm not one for publicly talking about my beliefs. However, it was just the most humbling thing to me, and made me so grateful for the gift of life, and the opportunity and true blessing it is that I will be able to bring people into the world. Not only will I be a mother, but I will have an amazing husband to share that experience with, and I realized how happy that makes me. I realized that I can't wait to start my family and take my marriage and life to a whole new level. Fourth of all, now that I've just gotten religious and sappy, I'm going to flip it a little and relate that experience to my weight. Since I've been thinking so much about kids and how amazing it will be, I've also been thinking about what needs to happen before that. I am 21 years old, and I can honestly say I have never, not once, been happy or even content with my weight. Even after the show was over I knew I still needed to lose more weight. I have never been skinny or had a nice body. Nor have I been comfortable in a two piece, tankini or bikini. I have never felt comfortable in a bathing suit period. I have never been able to look in the mirror and just say "I look good!" And who knows, maybe I'll never be comfortable enough with myself to wear a bikini, but what I want is to just be able to look in the mirror, and truly believe that I look good, and that for once I actually LOVE what I see. Whether I weigh 150 or 180 pounds. I want to be happy with the best and most realistic version of me. And I realized, I need to do this NOW. I don't have 10 years anymore. I've wasted those. I dont want to just wait for my boobs and butt to get MORE saggy, I want to help them as much as I can now, that way after I have kids, I don't end up running into oncoming traffic. I want to be at a healthy weight before kids. Not only cause I don't want to look like Shamu after I have them, but because I want to have a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby! And if I'm not healthy, some or all of those things could be affected. Plus, I'm supposed to be in my "prime" right now. I'm supposed to look my best right NOW. I was supposed to look my best in High School and College. So it turns out, I'm behind a few years, but I'm working on it NOW. It's true, I already have a sexy husband who loves me for me, and he always has. But if I don't love me, it's hard for anyone else to. When I am constantly putting myself down and depressed it affects him too. I know its hard for him because I know there's nothing he can really say or do. Luckily, I married the most perfect guy ever and he is so kind and loving a patient with me and he supports me in everything I do. He means the world to me and thats why I want to do this for myself, as well as for him. Not that he has or will ever say anything about my weight and how he wants me to lose any, but I want to feel comfortable and confident about walking around with my hot husband. I want to be able to say "we're a damn good looking couple" instead of just thinking he's way too hot for me.
There are so many things I've learned about myself but one of the main things I've learned is I dont want to be just a pretty face. I'm over it. I want to be considered hot and I want to feel sexy for once in my life. Not just pretty or cute. This might sound a little weird or too much, but whatever. Get over it. I need to make this change now, cause I'm just going downhill while my husband gets hotter every second. Not even cool.
Mak Attack Is Back!
My new mission: GET SEXY. CAUSE TIME'S RUNNING OUT. WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?
So its been a couple weeks since I've posted on my blog and I've had several people ask why, or tell me they've missed my posts and it means so much. The reason why I made this blog was to not only help other people and motivate them, but to also help motivate myself and hold myself more accountable on my weigh loss journey. But to answer everyones question of why I haven't been posting lately, is because last week I hit an all time low. Not only was I so frustrated with how I had hit a weight loss plateau, and had stayed the exact same weight 3 weeks in a row, but I also hit a personal all time low with my self confidence and how I was viewing myself. I was working so hard, not cheating ONCE throughout the week, I was working out 3 times a week, and I was so happy and excited and felt so good. Once i got on the scale after one week of not losing anything, and then again the next week, and then AGAIN the next week, I slowly but surely started to lose motivation and self esteem, and confidence, and basically everything. It is probably the most frustrating thing on this planet, when you feel so good, and you're trying so hard, and you're working out, eating healthy, and you get to the point where you're almost EXCITED to get on the scale and see how much you've lost. That was me those weeks. It wasn't like I never worked out, and I was having a cookie everyday, NO. I was taking everything so serious and I was really working hard. But once it got to that point where I felt like I was working so hard and nothing was happening, I hit rock bottom and it was affecting not only my attitude, my drive, my self esteem, my confidence, my marriage, and everything else in my life. I was seriously depressed and one night it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I completely lost it and broke down. I've always been the type that compares myself to other girls, as you saw in my last post, and I think i can speak for all girls when I say I do that. But at that specific point it was just too much. I was feeling the worst I've ever felt about myself and I felt I couldn't do anything about it. I talked to my husband, and my parents, and we came up with some things to help but the biggest problem is me. I am my biggest critic, and I find myself thinking atleast one negative thing about myself a day. And its almost always about my weight. It's something that I'm obviously trying to work on and its going to take a LONG time to get over, being that I've had this mindset my whole life. It was just a breaking point for me and the worst its ever been. So through these couple weeks of me feeling this way, I thought "how can I blog about how I'm not losing weight and feeling depressed? My blog is supposed to be about losing weight and its supposed to help people and lift them up, and motivate them, and make them realize they're not alone. How could i possibly post about how I'm really feeling and what's going on in my life when pretty much none of it is positive?" And then I realized, THIS is the stuff people like reading most. THIS is the real deal, the real life stuff that happens to people on a daily basis, this is what my blog is all about. So even though what I'm going through is very personal, and very hard and not the most positive thing, I made a promise to myself that I was going to post everything I felt, the good and the bad. I realized that I'm not always going to have amazing weeks with the scale, but the most important thing is how I FEEL. I felt the biggest difference with my body when I was eating right and being consistent with my health. I felt just so good and so strong and I had SO much energy. But the second I saw the same number for weeks in a row, those positive feelings started going away real quick. So I've now made it a goal to get on the scale maybe once a MONTH instead of once a week. I need to start measuring myself instead of weighing myself. I know my body was changing and over all I just felt healthy and happy. Why let the stupid scale dictate my happiness. I'm only going to get on the scale now when I havent for a while and I want to see how my month has been, or pretty much just whenever I feel like it. Im on my own time and my own plan and I realized its how I FEEL thats important too. Yes, obviously I want to be losing weight as well, but if my attitude gets to me and I'm so negative about what the scale is saying, and when the scales number affects my self esteem, I know that also plays a roll in why I'm not losing weight. Staying happy and positive and motivated will definitely help that number go down, and feeling better and healthier is my first priority. I know once i make that my main goal, the weightloss will come too. It's a daily battle (with myself) to stay positive and to feel good and confident about myself, but like I said, I'm working on it. Once I get my head under control, my body will catch up with it. I've always said since I did the show that its a mental game. I personally feel its much harder to lost mental and emotional weight than physical weight, and I stand by that statement 110%. This is a LIFESTYLE change. Meaning Im changing my life. Im changing my past life, my present life, and my future life, so I'm learning it all takes time and lots and LOTS of work. But I'm willing to work for it and I know it will be worth it, once I let my mind know I'm in control of it, and its not in control of me. The mental part is the WORST part, and I'm learning not to let it get the best of me. Oh, and pardon me, but...
Today, I just had to unleash.
Earlier I spent a good hour just sitting there bawling. Why, you ask? Because I'm a girl. Almost once every month or two, I just have a day where I wake up, and think to myself how fat, ugly, and gross I am. It really is so sad, and I should probably get help, but in the mean time, I'm going to blog about it. Unfortunately, I am a girl. And this heaven sent "day of depression" happens ALL THE TIME. I wish it didn't, but it does. And much too frequently at that. The reason why I decided to put this out there for everyone, is because I'm pretty much 99.9% sure I'm not the only girl who feels this way. And if you don't, you're a lucky bitch. I have always, since I was little, been a mirror avoider. What is this, you ask? It's pretty much anytime I see a mirror, I freakin dodge that like the kiosk sales people in the middle of the mall! When I see a mirror coming up, I make sure to look the opposite way when I pass it.
For anyone who saw my show, when I sat there infront of the mirror and just looked at myself, it was honestly one of THEE most painful, hard, and horrible things I've ever done. In my life! Seriously. You would wonder why it was so hard, like really, its not that big of a deal. Just look at yourself! I promise you, when the producers asked me "Makenzie, we want you to take off your shirt and just look at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes." You honestly would have thought they said "Makenzie, we want you to cut all of your limbs off with a rusty saw." It was just about the worst thing anyone could have asked me to do. I never have been the type of person to look at myself in the mirror. When I would get ready for school ever since I was little, I would get dressed, take .5 seconds to check the outfit, and book it out of there. Never would I just take a few minutes, look at my hair, makeup, outfit and say "damn, lookin good." So when I stood there in front of the mirror, just looking at myself, and taking it all in, exactly how big I really was, and looking at all the damage that had been done, I within seconds lost it and started bawling. I kept asking them "can I be done now? please? can I just stop doing this?" It was honestly like I was begging for my life. They of course didnt say anything and wanted to get all the raw emotion that is great for reality TV, and then after just said "its okay! because you will never have to do it again!" Unfortunately I have reached that point again, and I'm working on it. But I still struggle with the whole mirror deal.
I am a cosmetologist, and I am infront of mirrors constantly, and you will NEVER catch me looking in it. Thats just me, and how I'm programmed. I struggle with comparing myself to others on a daily basis. I am one of the most insecure people, and behind the smile, and the jokes, and the sense of humor, I am just an average insecure girl. I know I am not the only one who feels this way! Thats why I wanted to share how I feel. This isn't one of those blogs that only posts the good things, and you dont see everything behind closed doors. This is me being real, and writing in a public journal. I am working towards my goals everyday, and it really is so hard! Sometimes I just want to have an effing cookie or bowl of ice cream. And its so hard for me to say "makenzie! no! have some self control!" I just think "if my skinny friends are doing it why cant I?" but I'm not them. I'm me. Sometimes I'm grateful for that fact, and others I'm not. But like I said, I'm working on it.
I just want to be a healthy me! I'm not saying I want to have some Victorias Secret model body, although thats pretty ideal, Im just wanting to be a healthy me! I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "wow, I look good! I am confident and content with myself" for the first time in my life. Why as girls are we so hard on ourselves? Seriously. Why do we feel the need to beat ourselves up? It really is so sad. Why do size 0 girls look in the mirror and see a 500 pound person? Why is our society so jacked up? We will never know. All we can do is be the best version of US as individuals, and everything in our will power to feel confident with who we are. For some people, that might mean losing weight. Whether its 5 or 200 pounds. For some it might be putting on some makeup every once in a while. For some it might be going to get a pedicure or manicure. Maybe going and getting a makeover at a cosmetic counter, or hell, even letting yourself have that brownie at night to get you through that week. Whatever it is for YOU, do what you can to make it happen. Dont let yourself get to the point where youre depressed and ready to walk into oncoming traffic. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people, who are most likely just as insecure, if not more, as us. Like I've said before, we have no idea what the "perfect girl" is going through. Be your own version of "perfect", because nobody can be you! Make the most of what you do have, and dont focus on what you dont have or what you want. Its not worth it! But being happy is. Dont let your hormonal vagina control you! You are your own worst enemy and biggest critic, and you can control your happiness. And next time, do yourself a favor, and just dont watch the VS Fashion Show. Instead, look up the models without makeup! And then have a snickers. Thank You, and Goodnight!
