Since I've been gone, (I cant breathe for the first time) HA! Kidding. Had to. Anyways, that was dumb but whatever. Since I stopped blogging, I have learned so many things about myself.
First of all, I learned that I wasnt happy. I havent been happy with myself, my body, my jobs, pretty much just my life. It was affecting me and everyone I cared for most, and it had to end. I realized that when I'm not putting myself, and my happiness first, nothing else in life seems to go well. I realized how much better I truly feel when I'm working out, and eating healthy. When I'm doing those things, it just makes me a happy and positive person, which only affects my life in good ways! Everything is better when I'm better. When I'm a better version of me! I learned that this life is too short to be unhappy.
Second of all, I realized I'm the most un-motivated person ever. This was definitely not the first time I noticed this about myself, but it really just hit me hard recently. I never really finish things I start, my weight obviously being the number one thing. I lost a lot of it once, but wasn't motivated enough to keep it off, and I hate myself for that. The world witnessed how hard I worked, and then how lazy I became after the show. Which is embarrassing, but sadly, I thought it didn't matter what people think of me and that I didn't care. Now that I'm at this point, I've realized that I care. It doesn't matter what people think of me, but it does matter what I think of myself. And at this point, I'm not content with who I am or how I look. I'm not a motivated person, and I hate that about myself. But I'm working on it!
Third of all, since I last blogged, I was blessed enough to have the opportunity to witness my precious niece Quinn being born. It was the most amazing experience of my (and my husbands) life! It was the most beautiful/suspenseful/overwhelming thing we have ever seen! It made us bond and connect on a level we never have before and it made us so excited to have kids! We can't wait to have kids, but that wont be for a few years....possibly a few centuries. Anyways, that whole experience really hit home for me. It totally put things, and life into perspective for me. This is what life is about. Family. I am a religious person, but I'm not one for publicly talking about my beliefs. However, it was just the most humbling thing to me, and made me so grateful for the gift of life, and the opportunity and true blessing it is that I will be able to bring people into the world. Not only will I be a mother, but I will have an amazing husband to share that experience with, and I realized how happy that makes me. I realized that I can't wait to start my family and take my marriage and life to a whole new level.
Fourth of all, now that I've just gotten religious and sappy, I'm going to flip it a little and relate that experience to my weight. Since I've been thinking so much about kids and how amazing it will be, I've also been thinking about what needs to happen before that. I am 21 years old, and I can honestly say I have never, not once, been happy or even content with my weight. Even after the show was over I knew I still needed to lose more weight. I have never been skinny or had a nice body. Nor have I been comfortable in a two piece, tankini or bikini. I have never felt comfortable in a bathing suit period. I have never been able to look in the mirror and just say "I look good!" And who knows, maybe I'll never be comfortable enough with myself to wear a bikini, but what I want is to just be able to look in the mirror, and truly believe that I look good, and that for once I actually LOVE what I see. Whether I weigh 150 or 180 pounds. I want to be happy with the best and most realistic version of me. And I realized, I need to do this NOW. I don't have 10 years anymore. I've wasted those. I dont want to just wait for my boobs and butt to get MORE saggy, I want to help them as much as I can now, that way after I have kids, I don't end up running into oncoming traffic. I want to be at a healthy weight before kids. Not only cause I don't want to look like Shamu after I have them, but because I want to have a healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby! And if I'm not healthy, some or all of those things could be affected. Plus, I'm supposed to be in my "prime" right now. I'm supposed to look my best right NOW. I was supposed to look my best in High School and College. So it turns out, I'm behind a few years, but I'm working on it NOW. It's true, I already have a sexy husband who loves me for me, and he always has. But if I don't love me, it's hard for anyone else to. When I am constantly putting myself down and depressed it affects him too. I know its hard for him because I know there's nothing he can really say or do. Luckily, I married the most perfect guy ever and he is so kind and loving a patient with me and he supports me in everything I do. He means the world to me and thats why I want to do this for myself, as well as for him. Not that he has or will ever say anything about my weight and how he wants me to lose any, but I want to feel comfortable and confident about walking around with my hot husband. I want to be able to say "we're a damn good looking couple" instead of just thinking he's way too hot for me.
There are so many things I've learned about myself but one of the main things I've learned is I dont want to be just a pretty face. I'm over it. I want to be considered hot and I want to feel sexy for once in my life. Not just pretty or cute. This might sound a little weird or too much, but whatever. Get over it. I need to make this change now, cause I'm just going downhill while my husband gets hotter every second. Not even cool.
Mak Attack Is Back!
My new mission: GET SEXY. CAUSE TIME'S RUNNING OUT.
WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?
WHO'S WITH ME?!?!?
