It's a MENTAL GAME.

So its been a couple weeks since I've posted on my blog and I've had several people ask why, or tell me they've missed my posts and it means so much. The reason why I made this blog was to not only help other people and motivate them, but to also help motivate myself and hold myself more accountable on my weigh loss journey. But to answer everyones question of why I haven't been posting lately, is because last week I hit an all time low. Not only was I so frustrated with how I had hit a weight loss plateau, and had stayed the exact same weight 3 weeks in a row, but I also hit a personal all time low with my self confidence and how I was viewing myself. I was working so hard, not cheating ONCE throughout the week, I was working out 3 times a week, and I was so happy and excited and felt so good. Once i got on the scale after one week of not losing anything, and then again the next week, and then AGAIN the next week, I slowly but surely started to lose motivation and self esteem, and confidence, and basically everything. It is probably the most frustrating thing on this planet, when you feel so good, and you're trying so hard, and you're working out, eating healthy, and you get to the point where you're almost EXCITED to get on the scale and see how much you've lost. That was me those weeks. It wasn't like I never worked out, and I was having a cookie everyday, NO. I was taking everything so serious and I was really working hard. But once it got to that point where I felt like I was working so hard and nothing was happening, I hit rock bottom and it was affecting not only my attitude, my drive, my self esteem, my confidence, my marriage, and everything else in my life. I was seriously depressed and one night it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I completely lost it and broke down. I've always been the type that compares myself to other girls, as you saw in my last post, and I think i can speak for all girls when I say I do that. But at that specific point it was just too much. I was feeling the worst I've ever felt about myself and I felt I couldn't do anything about it. I talked to my husband, and my parents, and we came up with some things to help but the biggest problem is me. I am my biggest critic, and I find myself thinking atleast one negative thing about myself a day. And its almost always about my weight. It's something that I'm obviously trying to work on and its going to take a LONG time to get over, being that I've had this mindset my whole life. It was just a breaking point for me and the worst its ever been. So through these couple weeks of me feeling this way, I thought "how can I blog about how I'm not losing weight and feeling depressed? My blog is supposed to be about losing weight and its supposed to help people and lift them up, and motivate them, and make them realize they're not alone. How could i possibly post about how I'm really feeling and what's going on in my life when pretty much none of it is positive?" And then I realized, THIS is the stuff people like reading most. THIS is the real deal, the real life stuff that happens to people on a daily basis, this is what my blog is all about. So even though what I'm going through is very personal, and very hard and not the most positive thing, I made a promise to myself that I was going to post everything I felt, the good and the bad. I realized that I'm not always going to have amazing weeks with the scale, but the most important thing is how I FEEL. I felt the biggest difference with my body when I was eating right and being consistent with my health. I felt just so good and so strong and I had SO much energy. But the second I saw the same number for weeks in a row, those positive feelings started going away real quick. So I've now made it a goal to get on the scale maybe once a MONTH instead of once a week. I need to start measuring myself instead of weighing myself. I know my body was changing and over all I just felt healthy and happy. Why let the stupid scale dictate my happiness. I'm only going to get on the scale now when I havent for a while and I want to see how my month has been, or pretty much just whenever I feel like it. Im on my own time and my own plan and I realized its how I FEEL thats important too. Yes, obviously I want to be losing weight as well, but if my attitude gets to me and I'm so negative about what the scale is saying, and when the scales number affects my self esteem, I know that also plays a roll in why I'm not losing weight. Staying happy and positive and motivated will definitely help that number go down, and feeling better and healthier is my first priority. I know once i make that my main goal, the weightloss will come too. It's a daily battle (with myself) to stay positive and to feel good and confident about myself, but like I said, I'm working on it. Once I get my head under control, my body will catch up with it. I've always said since I did the show that its a mental game. I personally feel its much harder to lost mental and emotional weight than physical weight, and I stand by that statement 110%. This is a LIFESTYLE change. Meaning Im changing my life. Im changing my past life, my present life, and my future life, so I'm learning it all takes time and lots and LOTS of work. But I'm willing to work for it and I know it will be worth it, once I let my mind know I'm in control of it, and its not in control of me. The mental part is the WORST part, and I'm learning not to let it get the best of me. Oh, and pardon me, but...

GIRLS: STOP IT!

Today, I just had to unleash.
Earlier I spent a good hour just sitting there bawling. Why, you ask? Because I'm a girl. Almost once every month or two, I just have a day where I wake up, and think to myself how fat, ugly, and gross I am. It really is so sad, and I should probably get help, but in the mean time, I'm going to blog about it. Unfortunately, I am a girl. And this heaven sent "day of depression" happens ALL THE TIME. I wish it didn't, but it does. And much too frequently at that. The reason why I decided to put this out there for everyone, is because I'm pretty much 99.9% sure I'm not the only girl who feels this way. And if you don't, you're a lucky bitch. I have always, since I was little, been a mirror avoider. What is this, you ask? It's pretty much anytime I see a mirror, I freakin dodge that like the kiosk sales people in the middle of the mall! When I see a mirror coming up, I make sure to look the opposite way when I pass it.
For anyone who saw my show, when I sat there infront of the mirror and just looked at myself, it was honestly one of THEE most painful, hard, and horrible things I've ever done. In my life! Seriously. You would wonder why it was so hard, like really, its not that big of a deal. Just look at yourself! I promise you, when the producers asked me "Makenzie, we want you to take off your shirt and just look at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes." You honestly would have thought they said "Makenzie, we want you to cut all of your limbs off with a rusty saw." It was just about the worst thing anyone could have asked me to do. I never have been the type of person to look at myself in the mirror. When I would get ready for school ever since I was little, I would get dressed, take .5 seconds to check the outfit, and book it out of there. Never would I just take a few minutes, look at my hair, makeup, outfit and say "damn, lookin good." So when I stood there in front of the mirror, just looking at myself, and taking it all in, exactly how big I really was, and looking at all the damage that had been done, I within seconds lost it and started bawling. I kept asking them "can I be done now? please? can I just stop doing this?" It was honestly like I was begging for my life. They of course didnt say anything and wanted to get all the raw emotion that is great for reality TV, and then after just said "its okay! because you will never have to do it again!" Unfortunately I have reached that point again, and I'm working on it. But I still struggle with the whole mirror deal.
I am a cosmetologist, and I am infront of mirrors constantly, and you will NEVER catch me looking in it. Thats just me, and how I'm programmed. I struggle with comparing myself to others on a daily basis. I am one of the most insecure people, and behind the smile, and the jokes, and the sense of humor, I am just an average insecure girl. I know I am not the only one who feels this way! Thats why I wanted to share how I feel. This isn't one of those blogs that only posts the good things, and you dont see everything behind closed doors. This is me being real, and writing in a public journal. I am working towards my goals everyday, and it really is so hard! Sometimes I just want to have an effing cookie or bowl of ice cream. And its so hard for me to say "makenzie! no! have some self control!" I just think "if my skinny friends are doing it why cant I?" but I'm not them. I'm me. Sometimes I'm grateful for that fact, and others I'm not. But like I said, I'm working on it.
I just want to be a healthy me! I'm not saying I want to have some Victorias Secret model body, although thats pretty ideal, Im just wanting to be a healthy me! I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "wow, I look good! I am confident and content with myself" for the first time in my life. Why as girls are we so hard on ourselves? Seriously. Why do we feel the need to beat ourselves up? It really is so sad. Why do size 0 girls look in the mirror and see a 500 pound person? Why is our society so jacked up? We will never know. All we can do is be the best version of US as individuals, and everything in our will power to feel confident with who we are. For some people, that might mean losing weight. Whether its 5 or 200 pounds. For some it might be putting on some makeup every once in a while. For some it might be going to get a pedicure or manicure. Maybe going and getting a makeover at a cosmetic counter, or hell, even letting yourself have that brownie at night to get you through that week. Whatever it is for YOU, do what you can to make it happen. Dont let yourself get to the point where youre depressed and ready to walk into oncoming traffic. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people, who are most likely just as insecure, if not more, as us. Like I've said before, we have no idea what the "perfect girl" is going through. Be your own version of "perfect", because nobody can be you! Make the most of what you do have, and dont focus on what you dont have or what you want. Its not worth it! But being happy is. Dont let your hormonal vagina control you! You are your own worst enemy and biggest critic, and you can control your happiness. And next time, do yourself a favor, and just dont watch the VS Fashion Show. Instead, look up the models without makeup! And then have a snickers. Thank You, and Goodnight!