GIRLS: STOP IT!

Today, I just had to unleash.
Earlier I spent a good hour just sitting there bawling. Why, you ask? Because I'm a girl. Almost once every month or two, I just have a day where I wake up, and think to myself how fat, ugly, and gross I am. It really is so sad, and I should probably get help, but in the mean time, I'm going to blog about it. Unfortunately, I am a girl. And this heaven sent "day of depression" happens ALL THE TIME. I wish it didn't, but it does. And much too frequently at that. The reason why I decided to put this out there for everyone, is because I'm pretty much 99.9% sure I'm not the only girl who feels this way. And if you don't, you're a lucky bitch. I have always, since I was little, been a mirror avoider. What is this, you ask? It's pretty much anytime I see a mirror, I freakin dodge that like the kiosk sales people in the middle of the mall! When I see a mirror coming up, I make sure to look the opposite way when I pass it.
For anyone who saw my show, when I sat there infront of the mirror and just looked at myself, it was honestly one of THEE most painful, hard, and horrible things I've ever done. In my life! Seriously. You would wonder why it was so hard, like really, its not that big of a deal. Just look at yourself! I promise you, when the producers asked me "Makenzie, we want you to take off your shirt and just look at yourself in the mirror for a few minutes." You honestly would have thought they said "Makenzie, we want you to cut all of your limbs off with a rusty saw." It was just about the worst thing anyone could have asked me to do. I never have been the type of person to look at myself in the mirror. When I would get ready for school ever since I was little, I would get dressed, take .5 seconds to check the outfit, and book it out of there. Never would I just take a few minutes, look at my hair, makeup, outfit and say "damn, lookin good." So when I stood there in front of the mirror, just looking at myself, and taking it all in, exactly how big I really was, and looking at all the damage that had been done, I within seconds lost it and started bawling. I kept asking them "can I be done now? please? can I just stop doing this?" It was honestly like I was begging for my life. They of course didnt say anything and wanted to get all the raw emotion that is great for reality TV, and then after just said "its okay! because you will never have to do it again!" Unfortunately I have reached that point again, and I'm working on it. But I still struggle with the whole mirror deal.
I am a cosmetologist, and I am infront of mirrors constantly, and you will NEVER catch me looking in it. Thats just me, and how I'm programmed. I struggle with comparing myself to others on a daily basis. I am one of the most insecure people, and behind the smile, and the jokes, and the sense of humor, I am just an average insecure girl. I know I am not the only one who feels this way! Thats why I wanted to share how I feel. This isn't one of those blogs that only posts the good things, and you dont see everything behind closed doors. This is me being real, and writing in a public journal. I am working towards my goals everyday, and it really is so hard! Sometimes I just want to have an effing cookie or bowl of ice cream. And its so hard for me to say "makenzie! no! have some self control!" I just think "if my skinny friends are doing it why cant I?" but I'm not them. I'm me. Sometimes I'm grateful for that fact, and others I'm not. But like I said, I'm working on it.
I just want to be a healthy me! I'm not saying I want to have some Victorias Secret model body, although thats pretty ideal, Im just wanting to be a healthy me! I want to be able to look in the mirror and say "wow, I look good! I am confident and content with myself" for the first time in my life. Why as girls are we so hard on ourselves? Seriously. Why do we feel the need to beat ourselves up? It really is so sad. Why do size 0 girls look in the mirror and see a 500 pound person? Why is our society so jacked up? We will never know. All we can do is be the best version of US as individuals, and everything in our will power to feel confident with who we are. For some people, that might mean losing weight. Whether its 5 or 200 pounds. For some it might be putting on some makeup every once in a while. For some it might be going to get a pedicure or manicure. Maybe going and getting a makeover at a cosmetic counter, or hell, even letting yourself have that brownie at night to get you through that week. Whatever it is for YOU, do what you can to make it happen. Dont let yourself get to the point where youre depressed and ready to walk into oncoming traffic. We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people, who are most likely just as insecure, if not more, as us. Like I've said before, we have no idea what the "perfect girl" is going through. Be your own version of "perfect", because nobody can be you! Make the most of what you do have, and dont focus on what you dont have or what you want. Its not worth it! But being happy is. Dont let your hormonal vagina control you! You are your own worst enemy and biggest critic, and you can control your happiness. And next time, do yourself a favor, and just dont watch the VS Fashion Show. Instead, look up the models without makeup! And then have a snickers. Thank You, and Goodnight!